The Winter Olympics in Turin

Every time the Olympics roll around, my inner Tracy Flick shows up, making me wish that I was good at something on an international level. However, it is my inner Homer Simpson, King of the Lazy, who thinks it would be better to find, through complete and utter happenstance, a sport that I happen to be preternaturally gifted in, rather than having to pick one and dedicate years of training and hard work.

Either that, or I would invent one right quick and get good at it before anyone else has a chance to start training and possibly master my secret sport.

That's how I came up with volley-tennis.

And I would tell you how to play it, but I'm not good enough yet to risk it.

Hmm...now this is different

I have to admit I had a little trouble recognizing Paris in this picture at first--not so much because she's pretty much wearing the Hollywood starlet equivalent of a burkha--but more because there isn't a visible penis to be found anywhere near her person.

Unless, the photographer's naked and masturbating while he forces "Demure Paris" to help him act out a secret fantasy of his in exchange for helping her eek out a few more minutes of fame.

Yeah, see, now that's much more logical.

A passing thought

As much as I enjoyed Jackass in all of it's jokey splendor, this is a pretty accurate depiction of pretty much every boy quality that repels me on a gut level.

And the award goes to...

Indian singing monk Ngawang Tashi Bapu, nominated for a US Grammy Award, says he never in his "wildest dreams" expected to be in the running for the coveted prize when he started chanting Buddhist hymns. (AFP)

The monk continued, "...because this is the same award Milli-Vanilli got, right?"

Jennince or Vincefer?

Supposedly, Vince Vaughn might now be moving in with Jennifer "I-Wish-The-Media-Would-Stop-Forcing-Me-To-Do Magazine-Covers-And-Talk-About-What's-His-Name-And-Bitchface" Anniston.

I'm just hoping that if these two ever happen to conceive, their good qualities are dominant--otherwise, they run the risk of producing some whiny, puffy, vertically-challenged off-spring.

Like Hera...

I'm going to save this picture, and when my child is born, I will show it to him or her when they ask me where babies come from.

There she is...

Miss Oklahoma, Jennifer Berry, waves to the crowd after being crowned Miss America 2006 at the 2006 Miss America pageant in Las Vegas (Jan. 21, 2006).

But how much heroin can she smuggle in her stomach?

Be mine, forever?

Two Laysan Albatross who mate for life, make courtship calls and dance during a moonlit night over on Sand Island in the Midway Atoll National Wildlife Refuge...(AP Photo/Lucy Pemoni)

...unlike the Hollywood Albatross, who mate until disinterest sets in and/or something better comes along.

Incognito

Opting to leave the Groucho Marx moustaches at home, Brangelina decided instead to go with the ever popular "Bono" disguise to fly under the paparazzi radar.

Also, it protects their sensitive eyes from the dim indoor lighting.

Damn you, blogger

Hey guys,

I have all these pix for posts that I'm getting ready to upload, but blogger is being a cold, withholding BEEOTCH and y'all'll have to wait till it's not being so obnoxious.

More Office Monkey later! So, stay tuned--do NOT change the channel.

;)

Bono Honored in Germany

Bono, the lead singer of Irish rock band U2, talks to media prior to being honoured with the 2005 German media award during a ceremony in southern German city of Baden-Baden January 24, 2006. The U2 frontman was honoured for his efforts to write off debt in the developing world. REUTERS/ Alex Grimm

Good for you, Bono, for sticking to your ideals and trying to save the world.

But do you think--just for a second--you could try and NOT look like you're a gay auctioneer at a livestock sale?

A fallen Leif

From E! Online:

The fallen teen idol, now 44, was due to be released from custody Friday after taking a Los Angeles court commissioner's strong suggestion, and opting to deal with his latest troubles by agreeing to "intensive" drug rehab, said Jane Robison of the Los Angeles County District Attorney's Office.

I was just thinking earlier today about how I would never, ever push my children into becoming child actors.

And reading this article, I'm reminded of why I'm oh-so-right.

Unless, of course, I had twins.

I mean, that's just a no-brainer.

An overweight pedestrian sits on a wall outside the Houses of Parliament in London in this March 31, 2004 file photo. A compound switching off the same brain circuits that make people hungry when they smoke cannabis looks set to become the world's first blockbuster anti-obesity medicine, with sales tipped by analysts to top $3 billion a year...(Toby Melville/Files/Reuters)

Dear God,

It's me, Lisa.

Please don't EVER let me end up in stock footage, filed under the name "overweight pedestrian."

Amen.

Oh Jess

Now I know what Rodeo Clown Porn looks like.

Kris Kong

I don't know that this even needs a caption.

How to tell if you can trust a man

Says Keegan:

"I don't trust a man with front-pleated pants. What's he trying to hide in the folds? Secrets?"

Food for thought, people.

Forever Sheneneh

I'm not gonna lie. I was a big fan of "Martin" when it was on the air. I remember one of my favorite episodes being the one where Kid from Kid N Play guest-starred and Martin's alter-ego, Sheneneh, tried to seduce him by revealing a giant neon heart that glowed red, "Forever Kid N Sheneneh."

So, when I saw a promo that Martin Lawrence is going to be a guest on James Lipton's "Inside the Actor's Studio" I thought I'd be clever and remark to everyone around me, "What? So, is he going to be asking him where he came up with the inspiration for Sheneneh?" thinking I'd be so funny and over the top.

And then the promo revealed that yes, that's exactly what James Lipton asks him about. And then I started to wonder, maybe James Lipton is a huge fan of "Martin" and used to yell at his wife (or girlfriend, what do I know about James Lipton's personal life?), "GINAAAAAA!" and scold her for spending too much time on the stairmaster, for fear of her losing her bodacious booty by working out too much.

And that made me smile.

Georgia, get it together already.

After I read this article, I really started to think that there is just way too much weird/crazy news coming out of good ol' GA and making national headlines.

Maybe it's because I've lived there and my family now lives there, but for real, doesn't it seem like there's some wacky news happening in Georgia like every 3 weeks or so?

Come on now, Dawgs. Let's show people Georgia ain't just about "purdy mouths" and "squealing like a pig."

Let's stop making people think we're just Alabama with more coast. Aight?

Is this sexy? I can't tell...

Prison Beauty Pageant.

I am also quite fascinated and am wondering a few things...

What exactly are the talents?

Do they practice them in the yard?

Where on Earth are they getting the dresses?

I must say I love how they are abandoning the traditional "friendly-smiling-waving" beauty queen pose and opting instead to use a more hostile stance.

Hats off

Finally, a constructive use of an eating disorder.

Watch out, Nanny

From msn.com:

"I'm quite looking forward to the day when our paths will cross, which I know they will," the still steamed starlet, 24, tells the February issue of Interview magazine. "She better live in fear."

Of what? Having her ankle gently nibbled? Sienna, please. You ain't no Lucy Lawless.

Girl, get right.

How to get that Beyoncé glow

I saw this link on MSN.com that told me to click if I wanted to learn "How to get that Beyoncé glow".

Well I did and holy mackerel, there are a lot of steps to becoming Beyoncé, which makes me feel a lot better about myself because the way you attain that Lisa T. glow pretty much consists of quickly applying equal amounts of bronzing powder/blush, throwing your greasy mop up in a ponytail or bun, depending on how greasy we're talking and spraying the whole mess liberally with hairspray.

P.S. Don't forget deodorant, otherwise the effect of the glow is kind of ruined.

Over It

Oh Brad, go be somebody else's shadow already.

I hear there's a charming pair of front-pleated khaki pants at the GAP whose personality you can co-opt next.

Bush Hearts Merkel

Reuters - Fri Jan 13, 2:58 PM ET U.S. President George W. Bush (R) and German Chancellor Angela Merkel address a news conference in the East Room of the White House in Washington January 13, 2006. Bush said on Friday he was not going to prejudge what the United Nations Security Council would do if Iran is brought before the 15-member Council over its nuclear program. REUTERS/Michael Dalder

Later on, Bush passed a note to Merkel saying, "Circle YES, NO, MAYBE if you like me."

Even later, he got the note circled YES and they like totally made out in the bathroom.

I'm sorry, could I get that again

Reuters - Fri Jan 13, 3:25 PM ET Kyra Moscovitch and Dylan Moscovitch (L) from Thornhill Ontario, wait for their score after skating their Junior Pair Free Program at the Canadian Figure Skating Championships in Ottawa, Ontario, January 13, 2006. Kyra and Dylan won the event with a total of 134.45 points. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

Somehow, I feel like the caption doesn't really do the photo justice.

Something for your favorites

Can I get some "Woo!" and a high-kick?

In case you don't already know about this, I present to you www.japander.com, the only site bold enough to post Mariah Carey's best performance ever.

Don't forget to check out Nicolas Cage. He's pretty awesome on there too.

An office haiku

Submitted to me by Anonymous Worker Bee here at the office...

Popcorn on the floor
Even though we make TV
Hybrid is whats hot (today).

A tale of romance and unrequited love...

It looks like Eminem and his ex-wife/baby momma/muse are looking to get married again. Those impetuous love-birds just couldn't stay apart for long.

Ooh, maybe they'll have more children! Yay! That's a great idea!

I'm hoping this time they'll understand how important the bonds of marriage are and take a page from the Book of Bobby and Whitney.

Hey. I'm just saying.

At least those two didn't need to divorce and re-marry to know that crazy belongs together.

The bitch is awesome

Now, I may joke here and there about my love for certain divaliciously crazy ladies, but for real, y'all, Naomi Campbell fucking wins. Every time. Tyra Banks crazy ain't got nothing on Naomi on a good day.

Check it.

Ah, dreams of Rio...

AP - Fri Jan 13, 11:36 AM ET
A model wears a design by Alessa during the Fashion Rio Fall/Winter 2006 collections at a supermarket, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, on Friday, Jan 13, 2006. (AP Photo/Silvia Izquierdo)

I mean, come on. Where else do they have models wearing couture in the grocery store? Where?

That's right. The city where fun was born.

Stay tuned to this station...

...because the revolution will begin shortly.

Take a real close look...

The United States, North American qualifying champions for this year's World Cup in Germany, will play Guatemala on February 19 at Frisco, Texas, in a tuneup match, US Soccer announced. "The Guatemala game will provide us with another good opponent as we continue to prepare and evaluate players for the 2006 World Cup roster," said US coach Bruce Arena, pictured in 2005.(AFP/FIFA-HO/File/Markus Ulmer)

Is it just me, or is the poster mocking him?

Kim Jong-il Update

Politics aside, the thing I love about Kim Jong-il is really the fact that he can alternately look like a hipster at the 101 Cafe and my grandmother, Mercedes.

Star Jones talks to People Magazine

From Star Jones' Interview with People magazine:

Today we celebrate our love every waking moment. When I'm all dressed up, Al will say to me in the sexiest voice, "Let 'em have it, Ms. Jones."

"Baby, you are the Man," I answer.

"Thank you, baby," he says.

And I'll say, "Babe, did you make any money today?"

And he'll say, "Yeah, I think I might have made a little bit of money."

And I say, "Did you go buy your wife something? Because your wife likes pretty things."

And he'll say, "I know my wife likes pretty things. Didn't I give you that big old diamond ring?"

And I'll say, "Ooh, that was last year."

So we toast each other with humor and appreciation and respect.

As if his willingness to have sex with her isn't enough (or at least publicly pretend that he does), he's supposed to buy her shit too?

Here's to failing vision and good intentions

This morning when I went to the mailroom, an older gentleman who always tells me good morning told me that I looked like "that Giselle girl."

Now, looking at the picture, I realize it's kind of a stretch.

I mean, I'm not even wearing red lipstick today.

Girl gets bird flu from kissing chicken

An 8-year old girl got the bird flu cause she kissed her chicken all the time.

Now, my question is, it's safe for me to keep putting my pet hamster in my ass, right? I mean, bird-flu-wise.

That's what I thought.

Whew.

From ABC Family Movies:

It's the day Samantha and Ian (Jennifer Love Hewitt, Paul Nicholls) have been waiting for. He has the biggest meeting of his career, and she's graduating from a prestigious music school and performing in a gala concert. Then a twist of fate threatens to throw their love off-key. As the day goes on trouble is on the rise, and Ian and Samantha are in for more than they bargained for. Ian has just a few hours to prove his love, but will it prove to be enough? Can love be stronger than fate?

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Just STOP. Seriously.

Yours truly,
Earth

A quick shout-out

I just want to take this moment to let my Sonicare toothbrush know exactly how much it means to me. We've been together for almost 2 years now, baby, and we're still going strong.

And they said we wouldn't last!

XOXOXO,
Lisa

Update on Face Transplant Lady

As you all know, the Office Monkey Blog is your #1 source for up-to-the-minute face transplant news. So, I thought I'd share with you a report that the face transplant lady in France (who was mauled by her labrador) is apparently recovering quite nicely.

Now, my only real concern in this situation is that once it's out that this face-transplanting business really works, how many really gorgeous women are going to end up mysteriously "brain-dead" so that regular schmucks can co-opt their stunning looks.

I know what you're thinking, Fergie. But don't worry. I'm pretty sure your jacked-up "something-borrowed-something-blue" countenance is safe from the attack of the face-snatchers.

Raffle Friday!

Raffle Friday is brought to you, courtesy of Kris Jones and company!

LEGO my wedding

I can't believe how awesome this is.

Just another reason (like the world needs one) to love nerds.

Being pregnant sounds kind of cool

OK, let me explain...someone in my office just found out she's pregant and everyone started cooing (including me cause I couldn't help it, dammit!) and rubbing her tiny belly and I thought, "Hey, that sounds like fun." I mean, I'd love to have a reason to eat any and everything I wanted, and I really like having my belly rubbed.

And then I remember what happens when you're done being pregnant. And that shit's kind of scary.

So, maybe I'll just get fat.

Like I need another reason to love the crazy...

There is a woman in Sanford, FL (home of my Grandma...REPRESENT!) who is suing her husband/ex-husband for divorcing her in secret nearly 2 years ago. The article goes on to list the crazy stipulations included in their completely insane pre-nuptial agreement.

Apparently, when she's not completely mired in the ridiculousness that constitutes her personal life, she's a mental-health counselor.

Ah, fate. You crazy, twisted bitch.

What have we learned here, fellas?

Apparently, this woman poisoned her husband in order to collect his life insurance, so that she could afford a boob job.

It's pretty obvious what the moral of this story is...guys, the only women you can really, truly trust are the ones who have already paid for their breasts.

Pizza

I don't recall a single instance in my life when I have said no to pizza.

And if I do, you should worry, because it clearly means I've become anorexic.

And insane.

Hey Holly,...

...remember when you put off getting a personality cause it was just so much easier to get by on your looks? And so you promised yourself that you'd make sure to do it before your beauty faded?

Well, I really hope you've been working on it in secret cause that ship has done sailed, chica. You're about a Mensa mention away from Sharon-Stone-ville.

New President of Bolivia Makes Fashion Faux-Pas

Bolivian President-elect Evo Morales, right, is welcomed by Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero upon his arrival at the Moncloa palace on the outskirts of Madrid, Wednesday, Jan. 4, 2006. Morales, fresh from meetings with Cuba's Fidel Castro and Venezuela's Hugo Chavez, arrived in Spain on Wednesday on the first visit of a three-country European tour with the nationalization of Bolivia's oil and natural gas high on the agenda. (AP Photo/Jasper Juinen)

Come on guy, would it have killed you to throw on a suit and tie? I'm all about California Casual, but for real, dude. You look like they caught you by surprise while you were relaxing in your livingroom on a Sunday afternoon after your kids' soccer game.

Lohan hospitalized after stomach-removal procedure

Just kidding, y'all! It was just an asthma attack.

But seriously, wouldn't that explain a lot?

Our girl is back

If you're anything like me (which you should be, if you're reading this) then I'm sure the last thing you ever wanted to hear was the words "demure" and "well-behaved" in the same sentence as "Jennifer Lopez." (Damn you, Marc Anthony!) It's about as interesting as Madonna post-Kabbalah. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my divas demanding yellow M&M's whilst inappropriately over/under-dressed for every event, which they attend between bashings of their personal assistants with diamond-encrusted cell phones.

Now this is more like it.

Now, don't go and do anything stupid, like have a baby.

Hey there, 2006!

Hey guys! I'm still catching up with the office monkey duties, so that's why I'm a little behind in my pop-gossipery/bloggerazzi activities, but I promise to get back a'bloggin' in no time flat!

Cheers and here's to me quitting biting my nails!